Need to vent...sorry.
Well, I posted something and then deleted it because I decided that I didn't want y'all to think I was crazy or needy or whatever. But I'll be honest, I am really having a rough time right now. As some of the yessaiders know, I quit my job a few weeks ago. I'm glad I did, don't get me wrong. When a kid decides he's gonna get other kids involved in a plan to attack and rape you, at that point, it's time to leave. But since then I've been completely unsuccessful in any attempts to find a job. I honestly don't know what to do. I've not slept a solid 6 hours since the Tori concert in Chicago. My family is driving me up a wall. I need to move out but I can't because I'm unemployed. I'm nearing 24 and with everyday closer I get to my birthday, I just get more depressed because I feel like such a loser/failure/whatever...I don't even know anymore. This is just ridiculous. I've not been this depressed in a LONG while. I feel completely hopeless. I do my best to be the "good" daughter like I always have been and I clean the house and all that jazz and don't even get a "thanks sweetie." The most I hear is, where'd you put my (insert kitchen utensil here) it's not where it's supposed to be." Or my personal favorite, "why don't you want to hang out with us?" which almost always follows some sort of covert insult about me in some way. It's not all their fault. I've been silent about this for all this time and so in a way I've given them permission to treat me like this, but unfortunately I need them right now and I don't have the luxury of lashing out. They don't like that I write and they hate even more that I like to act because all that is "a waste of time." I'm tired of being told that I'm not good enough for them when all my life all I've done is clip my own wings because that's what they want. Well, I can't keep doing it or I'll end up completely dead inside. I'm almost there as it is. I'm so stuck. Haha. Sorry. I feel the need to cry but I don't like crying because it makes me feel weak. Ha. Funny. I've one lead on a job and I'm sitting down with the guy tomorrow about it. It's an assistant manager position at a Christian bookstore. I used to work with him at another store. I honestly don't know that he'll want to work with me after tomorrow. I wouldn't say I've abandoned my faith but God knows it's undergoing a bit of an overhaul. I'm going to go with an open mind since that is my only job potential at this point. Anyway, I've already deleted this once so I might just do it again. Sorry. I'm not crazy, I swear. I just can't catch a break right now.

Well hopefully it wont be deleted so i can reply. First, let me give you a big hug (((((((((((Nikki))))))))))))) and let me say ' i have been there...many times'...LOL I quit a job once that i was very good at, but the people at the work were very toxic and it became quite abusive and i had to make a choice if i wanted to stay and go mad, or leave and keep my dignity. I left. There is nothing wrong with having a good cry, i at times have one myself ( just never in front of others) and its good for letting out your emotions. Families are pills at one point we have had to swallow. I left home because my father couldn't deal with what i wanted to do with my life. I left and its been a peaceful relationship ever since...LOL Parents sometimes forget what it is like to have hopes and dreams, often because they didn't follow theirs, they want to try and give us "wisdom', which often is just fear on their part. If you want to write or act go for it. Don't give it up just because mum and dad cant understand it. I had no support to follow my own dreams but im still writing and i never will stop. You need to do what is the best for YOU, not your parents. Something always turns up - job speaking and just keep at it and something will find you.

Don't despair, ever, you're going to be fine :-) I know things can seem very difficult when you are in the situation, but try to focus on the positive, what makes you feel good? You'll be fine, we're here for you! Even though we don't see you face to face, if it's consoling to be on the message board, we are here, we'll respond to you, always!

thanks for the encouragement. i just feel so overwhelmed right now. i guess i shouldn't feel this until tomorrow. :P i'm sure though what'll end up happening, as it always seems to, is that everything will be fine and all this will have been for nothing. *sigh* i just always get scared to get my hopes up in situations like this because the let down is so big. i'd rather be pleasantly surprised. :P anyway, i cannot tell you guys enough how much i appreciate the support. i wish it could come from my family but it means a lot coming from you guys because you've no reason to act like you care. we don't interact face to face on a daily basis. so i appreciate it so much guys. i wish i could hug you all. :wink:

I'm not sure if you remember but I was one of telling you to run!(from the last job) :wink: Glad you did. If possible-take this bookstore job(even temporarly),that peace&quiet sorrounding will do you good after that last dire one. And it's allways better to look for a job when you have one :) . Wish you really well!

Nikki, I swear, we are so alike that it almost scares me. I worked at a Christian bookstore for 5 years. Take the job, but just be prepared that you will deal with people who are psychotic. (I once had a lady scream that we couldn't sell C.S. Lewis because on one of his book covers, for Narnia, there was a unicorn and didn't we know that the unicorn is the beast of the devil and still walks among us, although now it's known as a rhino?) Plus, I was one of only 2 liberals at my store, but I never got fired, even when I admitted to being a bit of a Communist. :) Anyway, I'm sending you all sorts of positive thoughts. Your writing is FANTASTIC so don't ever give it up. Finding a job is harder than anything else. It took me forever to find this job, and it's just a secretary position. It's definitely not what I want to do with life, but it's a paycheck. If the bookstore thing doesn't work out, I highly recommend a temp. agency. They can usually find positions that are good (or at least with good companies) that aren't advertised. I found my last two jobs this way and they've turned out much better than anything I can do on my own. You are a terrific person and I can sense that just through talking with you online. You have a lot to give and I'm sure that great things are instore for you--it's just a long road. I wish I could make things better for you, but I know in the end you will do well for yourself. Don't let your parents get you down. I know it can be overly difficult though. Just know that you have people who really care about you, as you are, and are willing to help, listen, offer support, whatever. And I am definitely one of them.

You guys are the swee-*test*-('"). Thank you for the support. I went to talk to him today and he is so excited that I am looking for a job. To be honest, I loved doing promos and all that jazz. I knew if I just bucked up and waited it out everything would work out. I hate when I worry. He is working on the money thing now. I was honest with him and told him that I was trying to work out my faith because there are a lot of things that I can't accept about Christianity and he was far more understanding than I expected. So, I am encouraged. Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it very much.

I will now be driven to madness as the internet is not working in my house and no one has any desire to remedy that other than the one person with no source of income. It just gets better. :P :cry: