Uh okay
so I wrote some new stuff tonight. i think it all needs to be severely reworked but i'm a tad too close to it right now and could use some inspiration on how to rework it. and when i say it, i mean there are three poems. please help. i can't edit them right now and i don't want to leave them how they are, it's not fair to the piece. and yes, i talk about my poetry like it's a living entity. :P i'm crazy. one day i need to get rich so i can call it eccentric. :P :wink: so anyway, here they are. The Real Enemy Obsessed with size Obviously not enough When the frame Won’t fit the canvas Who needs to change? The painting or the exterior The waist line or the interior Something gets lost in translation Between a desire for perfection And the pain of my reflection So who is to give? What scars should show No rationalizing With the ideal in my head She demands all of me Coercing me to believe Food is my enemy Coyly hiding the knife Behind her back Her weapon— Cutting down all the me Unfitting for her perfect frame The Voice in My Head You disgust me Little pig Go on, stuff yourself Pack on the pounds Worthless Ugly whore Go on, use that razor Make it bleed No one has ever Wanted you Go on, drink it up Make the room spin Take yourself to the brink Till you self destruct Go on, pull the trigger Make me shut up Time Bomb Born with a bomb attached to the heart Each breath, each tick of the clock Brings them a step closer to death Their essence only condemns them 5… Sealing a tragic fate They are the people pleasers Driven to find acceptance Inevitable rejections—a damaging blow 4… Addictive personalities, prone to compulsions We are the artists too scared to create Actors too nervous to take the stage Ballerinas who forgot our shoes 3… The ache of a thousand souls Burn into our hearts, etch onto our faces Forcing us to find ways to deal 2… Bound by insecurity in our “gift” At the end of the tunnel Greeted by darkness Abandoned to the abyss 1… Sent back to haunt another With the time bomb mark They came out in this order and I think the last one needs the most work. I want to play with the countdown idea, but I can't seem to make it very effective. So, as I said before, please advise. Thank you.

these are great! They are all very different, and i love them all for the different qualities they have. The voice in my Head is very frank, and i love that. It is kind of confrontational. The Real Enemy is more cryptic, but beautiful and the subject matter is handled with such sensitivity. I love Time bomb. the idea is so unique, and the way it is divided is brilliant! These are all fantastic! Well done.

They are great. The first two are especially meaningful to me. I've been in those places before...you really capture it all and in such a beautiful way. I think the third is excellent as well. Like others said, I don't see what should be reworked, but I know that in a way, for the writer, some things are never quite right. :)

thanks guys. I really appreciate the feedback. The first two were kinda hard to write, so thanks. I am glad people can relate to where I'm coming from. That's pretty much the entire purpose to my writing. So thanks!

If you were to look at my profile you would see that I love poetry. Not only are you poetic, you are bluntly honest. I appreiciate that in a writer. These passages are very moving and raw/real. "The Real Enemy" is amazing. I love the line, "The painting or the exterior, the waist line or the interior." That really drives home the confusion some one goes through in their mind. "The Voice in my Head" is also beautifully blunt. I love when a writer isn't afraid to bare their soul. She reminds me of how often we humans can argue with ourselves, we're sick like that. And "Time Bomb", well, she's my favorite! The sequence is perfect and the countdown is brilliant. She makes me think of how we are all a part of this 'Earth school', everything is a freakin' -*test*-('") and it get's exhausting. I love your courage. I also write poems and I am WAY TOO nervous to share with anyone, even family and close friends. I look forward to reading more! Stay honest and true, it really shows in your writing.

Um, look at me go with the PICS!!!!! :lol: Finally got it all figured out. I truly love my new home, Light

Hello I really like them, but because I am young and naive, I need some translation. I am not the brigh-*test*-('"), so ya know, help me out here. I don't want to take them the wrong way, so can you like, just sort of explain where they came from. THANKS! You gonna be famous girl! Precious

Really great stuff. You're talented. I can't wait to read more. :)

Thanks guys. Precious, I generally don't like to do this, as I like people to be able to interpret things however they want without my biased silly input, but here ya go. :wink: The first one is about the struggle with, I guess, physical beauty and the force that drives some women or men for that matter to eating disorders. The second one is the actual voice of that creature. The third one is playing with the idea that some people were made to feel connected to other people's spirits and that these people have a bomb attached to their heart from birth, that they feel all this emotion from all these people and can't contain it. They feel it needs to be expressed but they feel unequipped to do it.